Nuttin short ah blessed is how I consider people like me. Who else besides we doh tink, gun when people tork about ah 45? Is only we who have record collections we savin fuh when turntables come back in style. Meantime, we only smilin when ah granchile pick up one ah dem slow-jam 45s an call it de biggest CD dey ever see.

We also have ah foot in tuhday’s world since we own computers an could hunt an peck wid de best. I start being different because I does go in de computer registry an change tings all dem experts does say not tuh touch.

Eef yuh didn’t know computers have registries den right dey yuh see what ah mean about being different.

So wid all ah dem tings, why I doh know what it mean when ah read dat someting gorn viral?

Is long time now dat question bodderin mih over an over. Dat was before two different stories start spinnin mih head.

De fuss was about how outraged Tobago parents was over ah video showin one ah dey daughters practicin she cowboy skills, not orn ah horse, buh in de lap of ah next parent son. All dis goin orn while ah next student rollin tape. Where dis was happenin? Inside de people school. It eh easy nah.

Why wid all dat I cyar get parse where it say de video gorn viral?

Same ting wid de tabanca woman from Ste. Madeleine. She claim she wasn’t stalkin she ex-boyfriend buh leave she house an end up on Ariapita Ave Woodbrook, half parse early o’clock in de mornin, where an when spot he SUV. She claim is trip she trip an run amok damagin up de man property.

It eh like long time no more. Try pickin yuh nose, far less yuh friend nose, widout somebody capturin it orn video. So she rampage now orn video. All mih eye see is de video gorn viral.

Dat is de new ting now?

Any form ah de verb, tuh go, in front de word, viral, go be all over de place?

Ah next useless phrase like: heavily armed? High-powered guns? Hi tech? When de smoke clear? Ah arrest is imminent? Scratch dat larse one; rong settin.

Is not like ah doh try an respond appropriately when a reporter put orn dey real serious lookin face an use dis new phrase. Ah really doh know what it mean. Even eef is read ah readin it, ah does still see he or she makin up dey face when dey typin de phrase.

I does try all kind ah ting. Fuh example, rememberin when ah real sick an gorn by de doctor. Couple times he give mih dese teeny weeny tablets, 30 in all. Ah supposed tuh take 4 every day fuh 4 days; den 3 every day fuh 3 days; den 2 every day fuh 2 days; den de final one after dat. Why? He say ah have ah viral infection.

Next time dat happen ah could say ah gorn viral, just like dem videos? Nah, dat go be only torkin about me, not de video. Steups.

An dat is mih best shot oui.

What eef next vacation ah paint ah sign tuh hang on mih computer before ah make ah next registry change. De sign go say ah gorn fis . . . Nope. No point finishin dat sign. Cyatchin fish more like cyatchin ah virus. What dem videos doin is different. Ah just not fuh sure what exactly.

I givin up cause me eh have nuttin else.

Stoppin not ah bard idea anyway cause ah only scratchin mih head an might start ah new place tuh go bald—right over de left ears.

Is ah few years well dat ah hearin dis phrase. Ah tort it was goin an be like so many udder tings in dis day an age an would dead quick. Still, ah used tuh check YouTube were de video was. De big number ah hits ah would see had mih tinkin it was all about hits. Mih next tort: how many?

Now dat de T&T press pick up de term, ah have tuh worry about Facebook. In de best ah times ah lucky eef ah remember mih log orn information fuh dat. I does only check dey every 6 months when is time tuh macco people business.

Why Facebook have ah finger pointin up an ah next one pointin dong, like ah confused hitchhiker? I guess people does still do dat.

I wouldn’t call somebody lookin fuh ah drop tuh tong, ah hitchhiker. Hitchhikers does pack ah backpack or knapsack; whatever yuh want tuh call it, an leave dey house wid no taxi money headin tuh someplace across de country. Dey never sure exactly where. How brave is dat? Especially since dey eh know eef who pickin dem up eh just discharged from ah place like St. Anns. Of course de person who might stop fuh ah hitchhiker doh know eef dat person just get discharged from dat same place deyself. What would happen eef somewhere along de route both ah dem pull knife on one annuder at de same time? As long as nobody eh carryin ah knife tuh ah gun fight I guess. Anyway ah digressin.

Tuh me when ah Trini reporter write or say dat viral phrase, tings parse serious. Dat level ah seriousness does come in two flavors—bad or worse.

If it bad it mean . . . well me eh know what dat mean besides it not good.

Eef it worse den tings parse bad an de world pointin an laughin at T&T. So what? Eef yuh is ah Trini yuh supposed tuh hang yuh head in shame?

I is ah real Trini so dem questions doh apply tuh me. I not in none ah dat head hangin foolishness buh doh let my radical position stop nobody else.

Where dat leave people like Vernella, dat ‘bago lass? Ah guess it have ah next kind ah Trini—dotish.

She better be lookin into why school chirren decidin not only tuh have sex in classrooms, buh doin it cowboy style, like dem pros. Worse yet? Allowin it tuh get taped so it could go viral an confuse real Trinis. How much more information Vernella need? Dat de event in question ole but de tape does keep resurfacin? She understand dat concept better dan most. Next time she open she mout answers tuh dem serious social issues facin school chirren should come out an not no more ah dem dotish apologies.

Newsflash time.

I just tork tuh ah friend. Dey want tuh know eef ah check de Internet fuh de phrase gorn viral.

De silence after dey ask dat was awkward.

Sometimes ah just not all dat smart.

Let mih back back tuh where ah tork about de doctor. Ah was closer dan ah tort.

Goin viral mean people passin de video arong . . . just like ah virus!

Look how much I waste wid dis. I eh gettin none back.

Where ah 45?