Dear Bernard Charles an Yudistir Maharaj:

Ah lil late buh dat is how it does be sometimes.

Doh worry, I eh goin an hold mih head an bawl how allyuh embarrassin T&T cause I doh do dat. I more worried allyuh might be mih family. Ah tink you not Yudistir Maharaj . . . ah go ask mih fadder about you Bernard.

So hear nah, allyuh ever smuggle drugs before? Especially you Bernard? Where yuh get de idea dat eef yuh tie de drugs where yuh tie it dat yuh go be safe? An so much tuh boot dat it make yuh walk funny?

Yuh didn’t know de walk from de plane long fuh a purpose? Is tuh let people wid dubious plans tink ah what dey about tuh do before dey reach by customs an geh ask dat question:

“Yuh have anyting tuh declare?”

Yuh eh make ah dry run fuss, see how de walk would feel in ah airport where yuh did stand ah chance ah not gettin notice? How long is de flight tuh Tobago, 25 minutes?

Yuh tort nobody would ah want tuh put dey hand dey feelin fuh drugs, ent? Even if yuh did move de drugs back lil bit an push dem up inside yuh, you wouldn’t ah get away. Dey even suspect yuh had drugs any place on yuh, even een yuh an is pull dey would ah pull yuh out de line. De latex gloves gettin pull up over dey fingers would ah be yuh clue as tuh what would ah happen next.

Yuh could ah ask dat Jamaican woman, Shanique Myrie, about what she say happen tuh she in Barbados an she wasn’t smugglin nuttin. I eh tink yuh research yuh plan good nah.

By de way Bernard, nobody eh notice yuh was walkin funny in Piarco?

So instead ah drugs, dat could ah be ah bomb by yuh balls? Yuh mean you could ah change de face ah travelin by yuhself?

Every traveller from now orn would ah have tuh take orf dey jockey shorts or panty before gettin screened?

No dat eh what ah say.

S-c-r-e-e-n-e-d.

Dammit Bernard, yuh doh tink? Ah take dat back cause we done know de answer.

I does do mih lil travelin. You know how hard it is when ah gettin ready tuh find socks wid no holes in dem, an pants dat go stay up when ah get tell tuh remove mih belt? Now because ah you I almost had tuh worry about mih underwear too.

Buh hear dis Bernard. Eef yuh know how I hate tuh hear foreign people pronounce T&T name rong. Yeah man, yuh story make de international radio. Dey make fun ah yuh Bernard. Dey eh say dey was makin fun, buh dey was makin fun at yuh dotishness.

Was de same way dey did make fun ah de Trini poleece officer who stop he poleece car de time tuh go empty he bladder by de side ah de road. While he back tun an he bladder emptyin, ah tief jump in de car an gorn wid it yes. Eef ever ah had ah reason tuh hold mih head an bawl.

In your case dey say yuh from dis place name Trinidad an Tobago.

To-bag-o?

Dat get mih vex Bernard. Is 2014 an intelligent people, especially dem readin de news, still cyar pronounce de country name right? Ah wouldn’t ah mine eef dey was Spanish reporters since ah like how dem does roll dey ‘r’.

You go be in de US fuh ah while Bernard—years. Ah guessin about 10. Yuh tink yuh could spend some ah dat time educatin de few people yuh go come in contact wid? Help dem say To-bay-go.

Please?

I go understand eef yuh decide tuh tell dem yuh from ah next country instead. I is ah football peong so leh we go wid how much country FIFA say it have. Subtract two an yuh have 207 names tuh pick from. Yuh on yuh own wid de names doh.

Okay, way yuh pardnah Yudistir?

How you doin Yudsy? Yuh see better days ent?

Ah guess ah should clear de air an say you an Bernard wasn’t smuggling tuhgedder. You geh hold March 20, he on April 1.

Ah almost fuhget dat udder Trini, Alister King. He was between de two ah allyuh. Was ah bard time tuh be ah Trini tryin tuh smuggle drugs into JFK.

Okay now dat straight, ah have tuh say dat yuh defense so outrageous it could be true. De people dat count doh believe yuh doh. Dey does go wid common sense. Dat is why dey arrest yuh tail.

Is only me dat wonderin how you eh know what was in yuh suitcase.

No offense buh it was such ah dotish dotish attempt at smugglin dat it might ah wuk someplace else. While yuh pardnah Bernard usin string an tape tiein drugs tuh he groin area, (de official term de authorities use), somebody just take goat meat, put de cocaine een, freeze it good de night before an put it in your suitcase.

Ah eh sayin yuh lyin when yuh say dat some body wasn’t your body buh like de people who charge yuh tinkin, one an one equal two. Yudsy boy ah tink yuh goose goat cooked oui.

Allyuh real brave. Not me nah.

One time, on anudder job, I tief ah pencil from de supply room. All ah had tuh do was put it in mih briefcase, walk dong de steps, tell de guard good night an when ah reach outside an he cyar see mih, run no arse.

De man end up askin mih eef ah was leavin an eh tellin he good night an why ah was sweatin so. All over ah pencil oui.

Okay let mih find ah time ah try an smuggle someting I eh tief.

Oh yeah, ah was goin an cross dis border by car one time. Ah had two mango in de trunk an de crossing rules say leave de fruit behind. Ah make de driver stop so ah could get de mango an eat dem oui.

Nah, dat still eh ah good one cause I would ah eat dem two mango before anyway.

When I goin someplace an have tuh fly, nobody eh packin mih bag. Nobody. I eh care how late ah is, ah doin mih larse minute packin fuh mihself.

First of all, ah like how I does pack an second, ah would dead one time eef mih suitcase geh open up an it have goat meat wid cocaine inside. Me eh have balls like you nah Yudsy.

Anyway, both you an Bernard enjoy allyuh extended stay in America. Look at de jail allyuh about tuh make dis way, even eef if it go be ah 10 or 15 years. Dem go be de safest time allyuh could ever spend, yuh understand? Worry about what go happen at de end when dey send allyuh baxide back tuh Trinidad an To-bag-o, wherever dat is.

Allyuh go be safe as long as allyuh doh drop de soap.

Good luck.

Fensic