One week before Christmas could only mean one ting an no, I eh tinkin Carnival.

By de way, de govahment better be diggin in de back ah de treasury fuh loose change. Wid money short, how else it go support who gettin worried dey might have tuh start diggin in dey own pockets tuh sponsor dey own money-makin events.

So doh tink Carnival; it in de ballpark doh.

I dey wid promises people does make in front ah God about all de tings dey go do different in de new year.

I eh want nobody tuh run when ah say New Year’s resolutions. I does do de same ting like everybody else: before de year start good I done break all dem resolutions. It doh cost mih nuttin doh cause I doh have no gym membership ah givin up.

De parse few years ah been experimentin an not waitin till de new year. Ah figure eef ah make ah promise during de year ah could manage. De result does be me not breakin ah whole set ah promises one time, buh one at ah time.

Ah realize is not my fault doh. De experts let mih dong. Dey let all ah we dong. Dey tell we it take 21 days fuh someting new tuh take hold in we life.

I eh have no sympathy fuh who fall flat long before Day 21. Dey weak. I not wid who orn Day 22 realize dey cyar stop pickin dey nose an rollin de bugger arong dey fingers before flickin it orn de grong. Dey disgustin.

I more wid who still cyar get up early enough tuh have ah proper breakfast before leavin fuh wuk so dey does stop an buy ah donut an ah hot cup ah coffee. Why dey doh at least buy ah cup ah hot coffee, I eh know.

Mih new plan ah attack is tuh start early wid de resolutions. Ah done know what ah plan tuh do different next year. Being de expert dat ah is, I not sayin what year it go be next year. Just in cause ah have tuh roll de resolution over tuh de year after next nah. I does feel bad seein de same ting promised fuh like five years straight. Too often ah does have tuh pick up ah next new bad habit tuh help mih feel better about mih lack ah will power.

Is obvious de first ting ah go have tuh put orn mih list ah resolutions is tuh not give up orn mih resolutions. Once dat out ah de way it go be dong tuh brass tacks.

Mih physical fitness have tuh top mih list. I cyar keep foolin mihself doin 47 seconds ah jumpin jacks an half ah push up behind mih locked bedroom door every now an den. Five times ah year probably not often enough. Especially when all dat does do is get mih body parts vex.

As wid everyting else dat ah does need help wid I turn tuh de Internet.

What ah remarkable fount of information eh. Anyting missin only missin because nobody eh put it dey yet. All users have tuh do now is pick sense from nonsense.

De number ah video it have out tuh help get mih in shape humongous. One dat cyatch mih eye was different. As long as it not only fuh certain people. Plus udder people shovelin mih snow is included in mih rent.

Udder videos hit closer tuh home. Home home ah mean. Dat is where de carnival reference come in. Some ah de videos past being able tuh mutter dey ole. What more important is knowin once we give music tuh de rest ah de world people free tuh do what dey want wid it, even eef some ah dem look weird doin it.

Rabid Machel fans have dey own You tube videos. I wouldn’t larse long usin dem tuh get in shape. First someting go crack, den ah go try ah move an never be able tuh untwist mih body.

Not everybody tinkin about physical fitness fuh de new year. Ah know one person who goin in de opposite direction. He lil bit ah exercise does come from yellin at de horses he pick only trottin while de udders runnin dey hearts out. Once he stop watchin dat sport dat lil bit ah excitement go be gorn.

Not me. I have tuh do dis fitness ting despite de relationship between resolutions an winter. I only have tuh figure out how tuh manage between now an late March, early April. During dem months what orn de grong now go be de norm.

Mih goal bigger dan miserable snow doh. Wid zero experience orn how, ah plan tuh finish ah quarter marathon. Fuh who want tuh point out de difference between runnin, which implies finishin, an finishin which doh imply runnin all de way, go break ah leg wid yuh own resolutions nah.

Ah go leave yuh tuh figure out eef ah being nasty or offerin good wishes.

Fuh everybody else, allyuh start tinkin about New Year’s resolutions yet?

Wait, leh mih guess.

Not before all de curry duck, black cake, ponche de creme, sorrel, ginger beer, pastelle, Christmas ham, macaroni pie, sweetbread, black puddin an pone done, ent? Not me, ah cyar wait.