Somebody need tuh get hold ah whoever tort it was ah good idea tuh mess wid how telephones used tuh wuk . . . . an beat dem.

Plenty licks fuh takin someting dat didn’t have nuttin wrong wid it an makin it so complicated, people believe yuh dotish eef yuh cyar unlock it or forward calls.

What was rong wid de ole house phone? Why everybody, includin lil chirren, need dey own phone? How much udder chirren dey know? Why yuh need tuh know who callin yuh before yuh answer de phone? Waitin tuh hear who voice orn de udder end never even come close tuh killin me. When rong wid sayin, ‘sorry, rong number’? Why yuh does panic an rush back tuh get yuh phone eef yuh leave yuh house an only realize yuh fuhget de phone when yuh halfway dong de road? Yuh cyar miss one call . . . . okay two? Eef it dat important dey go call back.

I remember when I did leave Triniland after A-Levels. Several ah we was migratin tuh de same general area in de US. We had we system dong pat. When was time fuh de pardnah ahead ah you tuh leave, yuh get de number tuh de house phone where he go be livin. When you reach, yuh call he. He would call de udders an everybody would have ah welcome lime by you. It had tuh be by you cause you didn’t know how tuh go tuh de corner an find yuh way back yet. De system was flawless.

Dis week, ah find mihself across de border so ah decide tuh call ah former classmate so we could make ah lime by he place before ah head back tuh my side. But, because ah whoever tort was ah good idea tuh mess wid how de telephone used tuh wuk, ah end up jumpin thru hoops.

Dey ah was, inside de Mobilicity store tuh buy ah micro SIM cyard fuh me ole unlocked cell phone. Ah even had mih paper clip ready. Den ah was tuh buy ah prepaid plan so ah could use de phone. Ah could do all dat in 10 minutes max, ah tell mihself.

Steups.

De SIM cyard part went rong right orf de bat. De fellah servin mih couldn’t figure out why de phone wasn’t recognizin de new cyard. He wanted tuh know eef ah sure de phone unlock. Yes man ah tell he, since larse year. Den he wanted tuh know eef ah do de part where ah went online tuh reset de phone after mih ISP say de phone was unlock. Ah didn’t want tuh look chupid so ah tell he yes, ah tink so. He look at mih an tell mih tuh make sure. Lucky fuh me since ah was comin straight from de airport, ah had mih computer an de call phone attachment in mih knapsack. Before de computer let mih reset de phone it decide it had tuh dongload de latest version ah de operatin system tuh de phone. However, de WiFi in de store was blazin along at an snail’s pace. Forty-five minutes later, mih computer was sayin it had ah next 50 minutes tuh go before de dongload done. Ah couldn’t wait. Ah ask de salesman what ah had tuh do after de dongload finish. Once he tell mih ah decide ah could do dat when ah reach way ah was stayin. Ah shut everyting dong an we leave de store.

When we reach de apartment, ah power de computer back orn, hook up de cell phone tuh it an fire up de dongload again. De computer tell mih it go take 16 minutes. When dat time parse ah tell de computer tuh reset de phone. It ask mih eef ah sure. Ah tell it tuh reset de damn ting. It say it hope ah know what ah doing. Once de reset finish dotish me tort ah was in business.

Ah gettin messages suggestin de phone orn ah network ah never hear bout before. Ah start lookin ahead, wonderin eef ah go have tuh behave stink Christmas week eef ah have tuh go back een de store tuh force ah refund. Ah call Customer Service via Goggle Voice. Dat was ah big waste ah time. When ah explain de situation tuh de woman, she say she eh know what tuh tell mih. Right dey ah realize ah would have tuh behave real stink een de store. Ah decided tuh call first since ah had de receipt. She tort dat was ah good idea. De fellah who serve mih answer. He say what ah was experiencin was normal buh since he had ah customer, tuh call him back an he go resolve de issue. After ah tell him okay an hang up magic happen an de phone welcome mih tuh de network ah was supposed tuh be orn. Next ting I feelin like ah accomplish someting important when none ah dem hoops was necessary.

Christmas or no Christmas, dem people who cause all mih aggravation still needed licks. Even ah hangin.

Ah text mih pardnah tellin him where ah is. He respond sayin he eh recognize de phone number so he eh know who he torkin to. Not wantin tuh make it too easy fuh him tuh guess is me, ah offer clues as tuh mih identity. He was happy tuh hear was me an dat I was in he tong. Like a true Trini who went tuh de same school like me buh went tuhwards de North Pole when was migratin time, he invite mih tuh de lime by he house Boxing Day. Dem limes does be real sweet.

Tuh get more dan five classmates dey lil bit tough since we livin all over de place an each have differing responsibilities. So when we do meet, we does revert back tuh de days when we was in school an we only responsibility was tuh prepare fuh ‘O’ or ‘A’ Levels an enjoy weself. I could just imagine what spouses an chirren does tink about how husbands an faddahs does be actin when we limin. Grown chirren does hide dey own lil chirren eyes from de antics ah dey grandfaddah.

We care?

Life stressful enough, especially wid political correctness gorn mad. Ninety-six, eef not 100 percent ah what we used tuh do an say in school orf limits now. So, when we lime, we does lock de doors an swear family member tuh secrecy over what dey about tuh see an hear. Dat good food an drink does help carry we until de next lime.

Wait.

Is de holidays . . . . ah feelin charitable. Between now an 2015 done, nobody eh tell mih ah dotish because ah cyar use ah cell phone good an I go shoot orf de rope from arong dem tricksters neck. Just like Clint Eastwood in de Good, de Bad an de Ugly.

Saturday reach.

All mih gun tork an dis endin different.

Boxing Day lime time.

Guess who get sick in de middle ah helpin cook de pelau?

Aye-yah-aye.

Come good 2016, come good.