Before ah go anyplace, congratulations tuh all de 2014 Carnival winners so far. Tuh de Junior Carnival participants, ah sorry allyuh had tuh watch dotish adults argue larse minute over where allyuh route go be. Ah mean dey only had what, 300 plus days tuh decide? Ah hope allyuh get tuh jump up an enjoy de event. Promise not tuh be dotish like dem adults when allyuh get big? Udder dan dat, ah hope nobody enjoyin deyself fuh de carnival doh lose dey life because ah it.

*** Let ah minute pass tuh set ah new tone ***

Tone set.

Kamla an Griffith! What de arse rong wid de two ah allyuh?

Ah had everyting set. Ah was ready. All ah was doin was waitin fuh de week tuh done tuh say it.

Den Griffith go an open he mout. He say de boat eh getting buy on no vaps like udders suggest. Of course he say more cause once he start torkin, he doh know how tuh close he mout back sometimes.

Next ting Kamla gorn an open she mout all de way from China. She say de deal fuh de boat eh fuh sure yet. While de boat done build she say, Trini naval experts have tuh inspect it an make sure it go serve T&T’s purposes. LRV different from OPV she say.

De two ah allyuh couldn’t wait man? Allyuh had tuh take de heart out dis week subject? Here’s what allyuh spoil:

I did tork about likin tuh compare how Trinis does see deyself, govahment an country versus what udders does see when dey look at T&T. Tuh find which part some ah dem people is ah was just goin up de road by we cousins; Jamaica nah.

Den ah would ah launch into de meat.

Like how earlier dis week, T&T announce ah set ah agreements wid China. Kamla an ah Trini delegation went up, across or dong, which ever direction China is from Triniland, tuh tork wid dem Chinese.

Ah did bet dey was goin an be happy tuh be back in T&T because ah all dat smoke in China. Ah wondered how polite dey was when dey inhale some de fuss time an it bun dey lungs. Dat wasn’t no Beetham smoke, it was smoke from ah world leader in smoke.  Ah did wonder too eef dey was de perfect guests, too polite tuh cough while de smoke ticklin dey lungs.

Ah did tork about de time ah was on dis plane an somebody break wind. I eh hear it buh yuh doh hear de ones dat stink; yuh does only smell dem, like dat one.

Stink fuh so.

Eef I smell it, everybody arong me had tuh smell it too. Even de pilot. Ah did mention de distress ah was in. It was bunnin mih lungs ah had tuh start inhalin thru mih mout, ah lil trick ah know. Ah didn’t recommend doin dat when yuh in ah public toilet an somebody rush een de stall next tuh yours an start bombin away tuh geh rid ah de dead animal inside dem.

Ah did say since ah was on ah plane, ah couldn’t just open de door tuh get fresh air. How ah look arong an yuh wid tink everybody was livin widout breedin. Nobody face wasn’t skin up, nobody wasn’t lookin arong wonderin who fart; only me doin all dat. Ah was so close tuh jumpin up an shoutin dat ah couldn’t take de smell no more an who pum needed tuh say dey sorry. Buh I eh do dat. Ah was polite instead. Was Kamla an dem dat polite askin, “what smog?”

Ah went orn ah tork about how de Trini papers focus on de boat deal. China was providin T&T wid ah big big boat; ah Long Range Vessel—LRV dey call it. It was comin in de shortest time, whatever dat mean. After it reach, ah next one was comin. De PM orfice say de TTCG go be able tuh lock dong T&T. Now ah see why de papers focus on de boat—dey know Trinis tuh ah tee.

Is de same boat Kamla an Griffith open up dey mout about later tuh mess up de ting ah did done write.

People would ah see where ah tork about how de idea ah lockin dong T&T wid two boat, is nonsense. Mih proof was any woman who wanted tuh have ah man available 24/7. How much man she go need on speed dial, not like three, even four . . . five? Same ting wid boats. Yuh need more dan two cause one go break den need maintenance, just like de woman man dem.

Now ah cyar tork about how Trini bloggers line up tuh eidder praise Kamla or rip she tuh shreds when de boat story geh print. Who tear she limb from limb do so because she an de PP cancel de Offshore Patrol Vessels—OPVs. De PP doh like OPVs buh dey like LRVs. All dem vee dis, vee dat was gettin mih giddy ah did say.

It eh make no sense now saying how ah bounce over tuh Jamaica only tuh see de agreements wid China orn dey front page. Dat how dey eh study de boat deal. Nah, dey focus on de deal for de transshipment port an dry dock facilities instead.

Ah eh worried now about gettin nasty emails fuh suggestin dat deep dong, deep . . . DEEP dong in plenty Jamaicans, it have ah lil envy ah Triniland. Ah was goin an say it eh about no PP/PNM/UNC/ILP or whatever udder party it might have. Jamaicans does look at what T&T does do versus what Jamaicans doh do. After Kamla an Griffith open dey mout, me sayin dat would be funny too bard. Steups.

Now all ah could do is hope what ah had plan tuh say about de Jamaican press turn out tuh not be quiet true. Who want dem tuh comment on Kamla an Griffith latest chupidness?

Ah was goin an mention udder people doh understand Trinis buh ah cyar say dat now since at times I doh understand Trinis. If dat is true, what chance udders who navel string eh bury in T&T, go have?

Ah tort ah had ah great point where ah was plannin tuh say it have Jamaicans who does jump up an dong in glee tuh tink T&T more violent dan dem. Dotish ent? Each country goin tuh hell in it own hand basket an one country sayin de udder one gettin dey faster.

Ah was goin an end sayin dat T&T doh study Jamaica like Jamaica does study T&T. De reason obvious, ent? Now ah have tuh end givin tanks I eh want tuh give.

Tanks Kamla an Griffith fuh messin mih up. Steups.