Ah tort ah was doin’ ah damn good job ignorin’ all de election commesse.

Ah really did tink so. After all, ah did promise not tuh go beatin’ no dead horse.

Ah tort ah was free tuh rail about de newspapers goin’ back tuh dis Conrad Murray fella like when it did come out he was Michael Jackson’s doctor. De early days nah, before he get slap wid manslaughter charges an’ make ah jail. Now he out, de Trini papers torkin’ about what he need tuh do eef he want tuh practice doctorin’ in Trinbago. Doh even study dat he lorse he license tuh practice way he livin’.

Dotish me.

Ah went an’ click on de Express link dis mornin’ an’ mih belly start tuh hut mih one time. It wasn’t tuh remind mih I eh eat breakfast yet, as dat ah could fix. It was de damn newspaper headline; someting de Attorney General Ramlogan say.

So much fuh dead horses. All ah dem should geh buried so people like me eh tempted tuh waste time beatin’ nuttin dead.

Let mih see how ah could tork about different tings, tie dem back tuh dat newspaper headline wid ah nice early Christmas bow an’ still eh waste mih time beatin’ nuttin dat stinkin’.

I sure mih parents was no different from udders when me an’ mih siblings was growin’ up. When dey cyatch one ah we doin’ someting rong an’ ask why, dey guilty one would point dey finger at one or more ah de udders an’ say dem used tuh do it an’ eh get no licks.

Eef dat finger was pointin’ at me, man I would be in de background doin’ mih best tuh shush dem. I didn’t like de idea ah gettin’ licks fuh someting dat done parse licks-free cause once mih parents hear someting happen dat dey miss, was licks all arong.

Eventually, each chile learn tuh take licks widout pointin’ at anybody else in de futile hope dat it would save dey own tail or get everybody else’s in trouble.

Later, when I was ah parent, mih chirren learn de same ting real quick. Wid input from me. 

Yuh cyar do nuttin in dis world widout assumptions. Tuh drive, yuh have tuh assume de car comin’ towards yours go keep tuh it side ah de road. Yuh listenin’ tuh ah professional in some kind ah ting an’ yuh expect tuh hear what make sense tuh yuh non-professional ears.

Somebody ask mih why ah doh write more about udder tings besides politics. I tort ah does touch on different topics, or at least put ah different spun on ah topic. Buh ah does take basket easy too, so eef ah dotish friend try tuh provoke mih by tellin’ mih I is ah Kamla supporter, ah have tuh find ah way tuh defend mih honor.

Ah gorn tuh buy food by dis new Trini restaurant de udder day. When ah reach, ah spot somebody inside lockin’ up de front door. Ah run quick quick. Wid mih face by de door, ah was beggin’, fully expectin’ dem not tuh take mih orn. Buh dey open back up de door, tellin’ mih dey did close long time. Ah was happy.

Where dat nice early Christmas bow?

Eef de current govahment was one ah we chirren, an’ we did cyatch dem doin’ tings we say not tuh do, how we would punish dat chile we love? Not kill dey baxide wid licks? It eh have a political equivalent tuh dat?

I eh know de exact number, buh quite ah lot ah people in countries across de world would break at least one rule eef dey tort dey would get way wid it. People would do all kind ah tings: Man have deputies; woman horn dey man; drivers speed; people drink an’ drive; police break laws dey supposed tuh enforce; politicians ignore dey constituents. All wid impunity. De more boldface among de rascals would point out dat it eh only dem who does break de rules. Belt time?

Big time? Else is non-stop bacchanal.

When yuh listen tuh de Attorney General, why he does sound like he eh just playin’ de village idiot role? Does dat mean he shouldn’t get licks? Even when he makin’ people belly hut dem?

De reality is nobody tail eh go get cut; except Ian Alleyne’s. Ah pick he out cause he is de govahment candidate fuh de St. Joseph seat. Is he gettin’ govahment resources tuh start wuk in de area so it could look like he on de ball. Ah “action man”, not ah “show-off man”? I eh tink so. Ah watch he crime stop show ah few times an’ decide me eh like he one bit—too much ah de show about he. Ah eh sheddin’ ah single tear eef he get political licks.

Now eef he gettin’ paid  . . . .

Eef de best de AG could do tuh defend de actions ah dey candidate is tuh say de udder side used tuh do de same ting, den clearly he need political licks; dey candidate . . . well he done gettin’ his; dey party need political licks.

How tuh punish de udder side dat was dey before? Well, dey not in power so yuh choices limited. Yuh could let dem back in while keepin’ dat political belt wrapped rong yuh hand an’ yuh lookin’ at dem cut-eye. Or, yuh could blank dem.

Let dem back een an’ just like chirren, dey go test yuh. Dat is when yuh belt should get unwapped an’ made tuh tork tuh dey political behind. Who like plenty licks? Yuh could den hang up de belt, close by.

When de woman did open back up de restaurant just because my baxide was too lazy tuh reach before it close, mih first tort was, “yes, ah love mih Trini people oui”. Was it only dat at play?

It wasn’t like mih “Trini people” say dey done close de cash register so de food was goin’ an’ be free. Hell no. Ah tink dey even charge mih extra fuh puttin’ dem tuh all dat trouble.

Eef de woman did look up at mih, swell up she face like ah do she someting, suck she teet an’ tun rong like ah wasn’t dey wid mih face up against she glass door, what ah could ah do dem? Bawl out what time dey close? Steups an’ walk orf sayin’ ah wish dey damn food choke dey arse? Dat would be ah waste cause de food real good. De people servin’ de constituents.

Nah. Ah would ah learn mih lesson. Next time ah would make sure ah by dem before dey close. Dat is what ah would do fuh any non-Trini place.

How much simpler dan dat it could be?

Look! Nobody eh have tuh get any licks tuh learn tuh follow de rules.

Look! No fingerpointin’.

Lord it ole now.

Like mih parents used tuh say.

“Like yuh want mih tuh get de belt or what?”

Fuh who curious as tuh what get mih belly tuh hut? De Express headline ah Nov 2nd 2013?:

“PNM DID IT TOO”