Ting One:

While ah was checkin’ how we bredderen across de Caribbean doin’, ah notice someting in de Jamaican papers about how dey capture de top spot in dis year ah 2013 CXC exam.

Curious, ah read it cause eef Bolt eh involve, I questionin’ any victory over we. Ah sorry, buh I eh immune from de Trini/Jamaican rivalry in every damn ting it have. Of course Jamaicans would probably call it ah Jamaican/Trini rivalry — each country name have tuh come first. So is ah Trini/Jamaican rivalry. Who want tuh vex could vex.

Now Jamaica have like twice de population ah Trinbago an’ bout seven ah all dem people is Indian. De girl who win is one ah dem seven. Ah know all de hard wuk she put in so eef she an’ Jamaica want tuh boast dat is dem business.

Den ah gorn tuh de Guyanese paper. Man, dem wasn’t boastin’ in joke about de same exam nah. Eight ah de top ten passers was Guyanese. Ah do de maths — nine out ah de top ten places gorn tuh Jamaica an’ Guyana.

Ah watchin’ what I not seein’ an’ ah gettin’ vex. No Trini in sight tuh claim de 10th position? Sayin’ dey now reach an’ askin’ what dey miss?

At de same time ah watchin’ what ah seein’ an’ ah gettin’ concerned. Every single larse one ah dem Guyanese winners could be de brudders an’ sisters ah de Jamaican winner.

Wink. Wink.

Now ah have tuh admit when it come tuh CXC an’ CSEC, me eh know which is which an’ who country does have what. O-Levels wasn’t dis hard tuh figure out. Buh none ah dat is de point.

It obvious dis eh just ah Trini ting an’ ah know why too.

Like ah say when ah do de blog on whichever exams results did come out in T&T — more power tuh all successful students. Keep reachin’ fuh de stars. Dat said, how de arse ah supposed tuh ignore what starin’ mih in mih face? How high up is de stars lil black chirren reachin’ for?

Dis is de kind ah ting dat does happen when yuh lorse ties wid where yuh from an’ yuh goin thru life aimless, only pickin’ up de dutty parts ah udder people culture an’ carryin’ orn like yuh in ting when all what yuh in eh takin’ yuh no place productive.

In mih job ah does rub shoulders wid people from India. Ah does sit next tuh dem. When one ah dem come back from vacation in India, dey does give mih de box ah sweetie an’ tell mih take what ah want. Ah does go tuh lunch wid dem an’ tell dem ah know bout curry; ah does point out how half de T&T population Indian. Ah does shock dem when ah tell dem almost every major street where ah grow up name after ah place in India. Ah does get embarrassed when dey parse an’ call out mih name, tellin’ mih “hi” an’ me eh know who ah should say “hi” back tuh.

I eh sayin’ ah know Indians good nah buh from what ah know, education is number one on dey list.

As ah people we lorse dat, or fuh who more radical, it geh tief. Eidder way is gorn it gorn.

So in ah sense I eh really surprised dat across de Caribbean is only one ethnicity dat gettin’ its arse cut every time in academics. How tuh change dat?

One ting eh go change nutten is all de ole tork. De election dat just finish show dat.

Ting Two:

No La Diablesse is dis tale ah horror. No Jumbie. No Douen.

Once upon ah time, in ah heavenly place call Trinbago, it had two main political parties. One was strong an’ used tuh take advantage ah de udder one.

All de power start affectin’ de brain ah de strong-party leader. At first dat didn’t help de udder party an’ all de lil ones dat would sprout up, torkin’ plenty shit.

Finally, de opposition had ah idea: all ah dem would form ah super-party an’ jump de udder party baxide. It wuk. De super-party win de next election. It eh even wait, power went tuh it head one time.

Now every Trini know two man-rat cyar live in de same hole. Dat did mean trouble since two ah de super-party parties was big. De main man-rat party, led by ah woman, solve it by givin’ de next man-rat party ah dinner mint tellin’ it tuh suck on dat an’ stay in de corner, out de way.

Buh de super-party didn’t know what it was doin’. It start actin’ dotish, bouncin’ it foot at every step. It take dis one man people in udder countries might call ah Trickidadian an’ make he very important. It didn’t care.

Every now an’ den de udder rat, which biologically wasn’t ah man-rat yet since it didn’t have testicles, would start cryin’ buh would stop when de woman head man-rat, tell it tuh hush before it get licks. Why it was takin’ all dat abuse, nobody eh know.

One day she ups an’ fire de man she used tuh hold tuh she buxom. She call he all kind ah names like she just find out about he.

Blasted vex, he form he own party.

Den dis election reach. Plenty happen before it buh dis tale cyar be too long.

Licks geh shared in dat election: De govahment party geh licks; de mannish-rat party in de corner geh licks while bawlin’ it eh do nutten; de Trickidadian party geh licks. Was ah doctor wid ah bald head who had de bull-pistle. Everybody start torkin’, makin’ it sound like each ah dem was in different elections.

*** Playwright’s note: Have tuh stay strong. Cyar let dis part frighten mih ***

De govahment party torkin’ like dey win something. Dey was just happy dey eh dead from all de licks. De Trickidadian was boastin’, someting about he party being de “tird party” in de country.

Even de winnin’ party, happy now, tork it own caca. It start givin’ basket tuh de govahment party, darin’ it tuh call de udder big election now. It know it would win eef de govahment party would be dat dotish.

Quietly, two parties start rememberin’ how good all dat power used tuh taste. Dey wanted all fuh deyself. Dey start peepin’ at one anudder from behind lamp post, again likin’ how each was lookin’.

Ah band start playin’, warmin’ up de bacchanal fuh de big elections in 2015. All parties dat feel de bull-pistle, frighten. Dey worried de bull-pistle man an’ he party of old wid clean house, eatin’ all de food an’ drinkin’ all de rum an’ bottled water.

Two parties still dey, peepin’ at one anudder, makin’ style.

Who would make de fuss move?

Both ah dem steups de same time an’ take orf. Dey bounce up in de middle an’ start huggin’ up an’ ting. Some people mout fall open; udders scream in horror; some tell dem dey nasty an’ eh have no shame. All chirren eyes geh covered.

De party de govahment stick in ah corner an’ promise licks eef it open it mout? It steups loud an’ walk out; It had finally grown ah pair.

People who did join de Trickidadian party start cussin’. He cuss dem back askin’ dem eef dey dotish an’ fuhget he is is ah Trickidadian. Followers start rippin’ off dey green tops an’ peltin’ dem at he, good ting woman had orn bra under dey jersey. He rip orf he own top an’ put orn ah yellow one.

Ah poor goat wearin’ it own green jersey stumble een de place. Somebody bawl out, “Ah seein’ ah curry goat!”

De reunited power-lovers gigglin’, tinkin’ about ah new super-party an’ more years in power. Dey start tuh morph — he start lookin’ like she; she like he. Ugliness runnin’ amok.

De revitalized strong-party start skinnin’ it teet, wigglin’ it long long fingers an’ mockin’ dem udders.

It dared dem, “change all allyuh want”.

“2015 it go be licks like peas”, it promised.

*** Playwright’s note:  Cyar write dis no more. It gettin’ too scary fuh mih ***

Anybody want tuh finish dis?