Twice ah tort ah had mih topic fuh dis week. Twice ah was wrong. It was like corbeau pee on mih or someting.

De first time ah was dey ready tuh tork about de Forensics Center. Ah had all mih information piled up, includin’ someting from dis woman quite in New Zealand who disparage de centre in ah blog. Ah was ready fuh she. Trinis could fight buh eef you not one ah we, doh jump een nah.

Den ah went an’ change mih mind. Dat happen because ah was watchin’ beyond de first 10 minutes ah de Trini news when ah remember someting ah did realize long time buh does always fuhget when shit happenin’. It have plenty tings goin’ orn in T&T dat good.

Ah forever mindful too dat is human nature dat does make yuh want tuh bark at anybody who yuh tink does only carry bard news, especially eef is tings yuh done know an’ wish yuh didn’t have tuh know or dat yuh wish didn’t even happen.

When ah see de story about de seminar de govahment had fuh deaf entrepreneurs, ah realize right dey dat de Forensics Centre was gettin’ blank fuh sure. As if ah needed more basket tuh take, ah see ah next story about dem two twin sisters in Blanchisseuse along wid ah next person livin’ dey who all celebrate dey century. Dat was one ah dem really nice stories.

So fuh de second time ah was well on mih way, dis time wid ah really cheerful topic. Ah was cookin’ wid gas.

During ah break, ah went an’ start browsin’ udder people newspapers. Low an’ behold, ah come across someting dat had mih sayin’, ‘buh what de mudder arse is dis?’ Is ah vaps ah done cyatch oui. In two twos ah drop de second topic. Ah had tuh go wid dis new ting dat ups an’ hit mih in mih belly just so.

Is ah letter in one ah dem newspaper dat had mih goin’. Ah man who I consider tuh be of questionable mental soundness just by what he write, say:

Every year, it brings together thousands of people over a season of fetes and cultural events, all leading up to a carnival weekend of wild celebration in street parades around Kingston.

We cannot put a dollar value on the harmony and happiness that surround carnival and engulf the population. The stress relief it provides to thousands who “free up” themselves at shows and fetes no doubt saves them tens of millions of dollars in medical bills they would incur if there were no carnival.

One significant positive aspect has been the inclusion of dancehall music in the mainstream Carnival, both here in Jamaica and across the Caribbean. Another positive development has been the increase in direct participation in the carnival parade. Bands are larger, and players of all nationalities, ethnicities and economic groups are taking part.

Carnival is everything: a march for our freedom, individual expression, street theatre, and regional integration at work. We must exploit the Jamaican carnival product, diversifying and fuelling the economy by earning millions of foreign exchange dollars.

Now is the time for the Culture Minister Lisa Hanna and Tourism Minister Wykeham McNeill to examine what financial role the Government of Jamaica can play in rebranding and repackaging Jamaica Carnival as the greatest carnival show on earth. They should pay particular attention to managing and developing a unique product, attracting tourists particularly from other Caribbean islands and South America. Like Barbados, Trinidad, Brazil, Grenada, and other countries, we must create a far superior and marketable product than our competitors.

Now doh get mih wrong. I like how it have carnival in udder islands although Jamaica might be de larse one tuh take it orn. Is guess ah guessin’ on dat. Ah vaguely remember hearin’ about Lord Brynner, who donkey years ago was doin’ good wid Calypso in Jamaica so ah did know it had ah market fuh Trini music an’ culture up dey. Ah tink he get in trouble while he was dey, buh like ah was implyin’, dat was long before ah did start knowin’ mihself.

It have carnival in Barbados, buh dey does call it Crop Over. Carnival in Guyana is Mashramani. In de Bahamas from what ah know it call Junkanoo, Mass Domnik in Dominica an’ Haiti Carnival in where else buh Haiti. Grenada dey wid Spicemas while dem Vincentians happy wid Vincy Mas. Orn an’ orn. Nearly every place in de region wid it own version ah carnival. Not all ah dem is de Monday an’ Tuesday before Ash Wednesday doh.

Dey does call it Jamaica Carnival or Bacchanal Jamaica an’ now it gettin’ big big. Fuh some, it still ah lil bit of ah novelty, after all it mainly ah Trini ting. Buh eef de people who runnin’ it take orn de letter writer wid he dotish idea, it go get call someting different when dey start promotin’ it as ‘dey own’.

De DDP look like he eh doin’ nuttin so he could start sharpenin’ he pencil tuh sue. Ah mean Jamaica does even use de word, ‘bachhanal’? Copyright de damn ting one time an’ sue dem now!

Anyway, dis year in particular when ah watch dem enjoyin’ deself Trini style, it was hard tuh tell it wasn’t Trini women dey winin’ wid big man tiefin’ small wine orf dem. Dat far less dangerous den daggerin’, ent? Once dey start torkin’, sayin’ how nice de carnival is, nobody would mix de two countries up.

Hearin’ Machel foggin’ up de place an’ Destra beltin’ out she hits had mih smilin’. Trini culture gettin’ exported. When ah tink about how Trini youths adopt dance hall music like is dey own, ah tell mihself dat turn about is fair play.

Ah know is ah letter, one letter dat get write by somebody who bounce he head. It only get one comment by somebody smart who warn de writer not tuh go an’ get dem Trinis blasted vex. Well is too late tuh prevent dat shit. Buh since ah fair, ah goin’ back an’ read dat letter again. Ah hope de head bouncer know is at de risk ah blood boilin’ an’ vessels poppin’ dat ah doin’ dat. Eef ah eh come back tuh finish dis, is dead ah drop dead from ah blood vessel dat gorn an’ buss.

tick tock tick tock tick tock tick.

Okay. Ah back. Ah steupsin’ more too.

Ah could see ah next side. Ah could see where de writer focusin’ only on dey own evolvin’ carnival. Ah notice doh he eh mention nuttin about how when T&T Carnival done, all de top Trini Soca stars does head over tuh Jamaica. Dem is de heart an’ soul ah Jamaica Bacchanal. Is dem who does put de vibes in de atmosphere when de sun now raisin’ up.

Buh alas, like de steelpan, once yuh create someting yuh have tuh give it tuh de world eef yuh want people tuh appreciate how good it is. Yuh could want tuh hold it tight tuh yuh chest all yuh want, like is still yours. Yuh really tink yuh could prevent it from gettin’ embraced by udder people? People who love it just like you?

How yuh does feel when yuh listen tuh pan from Japan? Okay dat too far. Leh mih come nearer. From Canada at Caribana? I been dey an’ I does feel mih chest swell. Buh only once two parts ah mih decide dat Canadians cyar beat pan like Trinis. So eef it impossible tuh hold orn tuh pan dat born in Triniland, it eh more impossible tuh hold orn tuh someting you eh create buh consider as yours? Like Trinidad an’ Tobago Carnival?

Just because ah sayin’ all dat eh meanin’ ah like dat letter or de writer any better dan before eh. Ah still cussin’ no tail, is just ah cyar write what ah say when ah cuss.

T&T need tuh do more tuh promote T&T culture. Unfortunately udders simply better at promotin’ dan Trinis. Ah hope is not because Trinis tink dey eh have tuh promote tings, an’ den promote some more. Dat Jamaican letter writer eh really crazy or mad. Eef he is any ah dat is because we let him. De man openly tork about, ‘rebranding and repackaging Jamaica Carnival as the greatest carnival show on earth.’

Okay, he damn mad.

Rebrandin’? Repackagin’? What is de brand he want tuh change from? What he want get put in de new package? Way de ministers ah Tourism, Foreign Affairs an’ Arts an’ Multiculturalism? How come it eh have no Ministry ah Culture? Ah hope we eh go have tuh start lookin’ fuh de local Soca stars just now. We eh want dem pullin’ ah Lord Brynner on T&T oui.

Wid dat tort I goin’ an’ finish orf wid some good cheer tuh three special people: Louise, Louisa an’ Rich in Blanchisseuse? Ah hope ah get allyuh names right.

Happy one hundred birthday tuh each ah yuh. Enjoy de accomplishment knowin’ dat nobody could tief allyuh celebration.